cookie policy

our current, steam-powered platform requires that your browser be set to accept cookies to access certain features. here’s a question for you: if we were to say that cookies are small bits of information that are sent by a website to be stored in your web browser, so that the cookie can later be read back from your browser the next time you return to that website, would you even know what the hell we were talking about? if so, then maybe you could it explain to us. our tech lady says the cookie is saved as a text file in the browser’s directory and is stored in ram while the browser is running, and that the cookie may be stored on the computer’s hard drive once you leave the website, but she lost us with this kind of talk awhile ago. the site is up, so she must know something. rest assured is committed to looking like we are improving your experience with our website, and cookies are currently the only way to effectively identify a unique anonymous visitor and understand how they navigate our website. an anonymous visitor to our site remains anonymous in all cases, in addition to being really annoying, like those people who read magazines without paying for them. we do not attempt to identify visitors if they do not voluntarily register on our website, even though we find such behavior very suspicious. really, why don’t you want us to know who you are? we have been told again and again cookies cannot be used to retrieve personal data from your hard drive, install a virus, get your e-mail address, or obtain any information about who you are, but that just sounds like something we would say to make you feel better. in theory, we only use the information that we gather from the use of cookies to understand usage patterns, offer personalized features, or to isolate problems experienced by visitors to our website, and even if they could be used for other purposes, we wouldn’t know what they are. the bottom line is the use of cookies is a standard internet practice and most major websites use them. and let’s be clear: we are a major website. our tech lady says, cheerfully, “cookies are good!” this is because they allow us to recognize you as a returning visitor.

the use of cookies

we’re continuing to talk about this even though we shouldn’t have to because apparently some people have very serious issues with cookies (these are the kind of people that talk about being “off the grid”, and won’t look you in the eye). or maybe you just need to know more because you’re that kind of person. or maybe you really don’t have anything else going right now. supposedly, a cookie is a small data file that websites often store on your computer’s hard drive when you visit their websites, and may contain information (such as a unique user id) that is used to track the pages of the websites you’ve visited. that sure sounds plausible to us. this information is stored in a safe and secure database, which, as we said, is housed in a super secret location on the surface of the moon. seriously, we only use cookies in order to improve your experience. here’s something else that’s likely: if you have not saved your information with us, we may monitor and maintain information about your use of our website in a manner that does not identify you. but when you really, really think about it, like scrunch your forehead, it’s obvious this information helps us serve you better by improving our website design, as well as our products, services and promotions. right? but there’s another way to look at it: we may also use cookies to track and maintain the identity of the website you visited immediately prior to ours to further improve our website design and to fulfill contracts with our business partners. did you ever think about that? if so, you might think we track information about your use of other websites. but we don’t. we couldn’t even if we wanted to. but we don’t want to. we cannot pre-screen these cookies since they come directly to you from other sites, but you can refuse cookies by turning them off in your browser. but is that really how you want to go through life? unrecognizable? okay, but our tech lady says you should know this: if you are visiting using internet explorer 7.0 or later and are having difficulty accessing the website, check your privacy settings in your browser and set them to medium. if you do not wish to change your privacy settings to medium and you are currently using the medium high or high settings, you may choose to override your current cookie handling practices for individual websites that you specify. but if you’re as paranoid as everyone thinks you are, just forget it. but mostly we just hate the word “cookie”.

third party tracking

pretty much your worst nightmare, if you hate the idea of being watched, tracked, surveilled, or analyzed by google, because we use google analytics, google adwords conversion tracker, google display advertising, google remarketing and other google services that place cookies on a browser across the website. make no mistake, like everything else in this world, these cookies are set and read by google. if you really feel like breaking into a flop sweat, please visit this page. to opt out of google tracking (ha! good luck!), please visit this page. we may use google remarketing to market our sites across the web, because they basically own our asses. we and third-party vendors, including google, use first-party cookies (such as the google analytics cookie) and third-party cookies (such as the doubleclick cookie) together to inform, optimize, and serve ads based on someone’s past visits to our website, which may be the most sinister sentence ever committed to print, if it weren’t for this one: we place a cookie on a browser, and then a 3rd party (google) reads these cookies and may serve an ad on a 3rd party site. you may opt out of this ad serving on google’s opt out page. if you are concerned about 3rd party cookies served by networks, you should also visit the network advertising initiative opt-out page, the google ads preferences manager, and the google analytics opt-out browser add-on. as a company we find all of this stuff terrifying, but apparently it’s the only way to learn about our customers and be all 21st century and shit.